Healing with Humor 11
 
 

Back in the time when the Samurai were important, there was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai, so he sent out a declaration throughout the land that he was searching for one.
A year passed, and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a  Chinese Samurai, and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box,  and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground in 2 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "That is impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, for him to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen.  The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box, and out buzzed a fly.
Whoosh, Whoosh!  went his sword, and the fly dropped dead on the ground in 4 small pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is really VERY impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him also to demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a gnat.  His flashing sword went Whooooosh! Whooooosh!  But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, asked: "After all of that, why is the gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said:  "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

  All the children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.The nun left a note that read, "Take only one, God is watching."
     Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large  pile of chocolate chip cookies. A boy wrote this note, "Take all you  want, God is watching the apples."


A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi  arrives, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in  the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver "He's just going  upstairs to say good bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, "Stupid old thing was  hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
 

               Haven't heard in a while.

  Jake, the rancher, went one day  to fix a distant fence.
  The wind was cold and gusty  and the clouds rolled gray and dense,

  As he pounded the last staples in  and gathered tools to go.
  The temperature had fallen  and the snow began to blow.

  When he finally reached his pickup,  he felt a heavy heart,
  from the sound of that ignition,  he knew it wouldn't start.

  So Jake did what most of us do  if we'd have been there.
  He humbly bowed his balding head  and sent aloft a prayer.

  As he turned the key for the last time,  he softly cursed his luck.
  They found him three days later,  frozen stiff in that old truck.

  Now Jake had been around in life  and done his share of roamin'.
  But when he saw Heaven,  he was shocked -- it look just like Wyomin'.

  Of all the saints in Heaven,  his favorite was St. Peter.
  Now, this line, it ain't needed  but it helps with rhyme and meter.

  So they set and talked a minute or two,  or maybe it was three,
  Nobody was keepin' score --  in Heaven time is free.

  "I've always heard," Jake said to Pete,  "that God will  answer prayers,
  But one time I asked for help,  well He, just plain wasn't there.

  Does God answer prayers of some,and ignores the prayers of others?
  That don't seem exactly square -- I know all men are brothers.

  Or does he randomly reply, without good rhyme or reason?
  Maybe, it's the time of day, the weather or the season.

  Now I ain't trying to act smart, it's just the way I feel,
 And I was wonderin', could you tell --  what the heck's the deal?

  Peter listened very patiently and when Jake was done,
  There were smiles of recognition, and he said, "So, you're the one!

  That day your truck, it wouldn't start,  and you sent your prayer a flying,
  You gave us all a real bad time,  with hundreds of us a trying.

  A thousand angels rushed to check  the status of your file,
  But you know, Jake, we hadn't heard  from you in quite a while

  And though all prayers are answered,  and God ain't got no quota,
  He didn't recognize your voice,  and started a truck in North Dakota.
                (author unknown)

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed,
Dear Lord,
        I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays  at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies.
        God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.  The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose,  cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their
 school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove  them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took  it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went
 grocery  shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, pay  the bills and balance the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the  kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began  peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the  pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the  kids,  and put them to bed.
        At 9 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't  finished, he  went to bed where he was expected to make love --  which he managed to get through without complaint.
        The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said,
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
        The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son,  I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to  change things back to the way they were. But, you'll have to wait 9 months, though.
You got pregnant last night."
 


       A man in western Kansas was driving his car down the highway when a big jackrabbit ran in front of him and he hit it.  Being a sensitive person  he stopped, went back and looked at the creature lying there dead.  It was a big, nice specimen of an animal and he regretted hitting it.  While standing there a man in a pick-up truck stopped and asked if he had car trouble.   "No," he said,  "I hit this rabbit and it made me sick in my stomach."  They both looked at it  and after a while the driver in the pickup truck said, "I have something that might help."
    He went to his truck, took out a bottle, and emptied it all over the rabbit.  Soon it began to twitch, move and soon jumped up and hopped off.   After a few steps it turned and waved, and kept doing this as it went.  They last saw it going over a hill, turning and waving.
    The driver of the car  exclaimed,  "What did you have in that bottle?
    The rancher gave him the bottle and the label read:  "Hare rejuvenator with a gentle wave."

    At the time of creation every living creature was told what its duties would be and was asked by the angels to suggest the length of its life span.  The horse,  told that man would ride on its back, said, "In that case, please,  twenty years of life will be enough for me."   The  donkey, told he would bear heavy burdens and hear curses was satisfied  that 20 also.    The Cantor  (the singer in the synagogue for all who are unfamiliar with this term) was told that he would do nothing but sing hymns, asked for 60 years.  The angels felt that was too much and suggested 40.  He insisted that it be 60.  So the angels took ten years from the life of the horse and donkey and added to the 40 of his life.  That's why, says the Jewish tradition,  a cantor sings beautifully for the first 40 years of his life, for the next 10 he sounds like a horse, and for the last 10  he brays like a donkey.

Custer's Last Night in Kansas.
        At Council Grove, Kansas, there is an old tree which has a huge base  reflecting its size when it was alive.  This is the tree where Custer camped before going on to the Battle  where he lost his life. All this is well-known and factual.   What is not generally known is that  on the morning they broke camp, Custer address his troops.  "Men,  I had a dream last night.  There is good news and there is bad news. Which do you want to hear first."   The men responded  wanting the bad news first.  "Well," Custer began, "the bad news is that we are going to a battle in which we will all be killed."   "What is the good news?" they asked.   "Well,  the good news is that we won't have to ride back across Nebraska."

For all those who have or may have difficulty getting your kids to visit home after they get out on their own........I hope you enjoy this as much as I did... Dallas

     A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in Nebraska. The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here  in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and  we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of   my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister  shouldn't go into shock later when I move out."
     He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in Omaha  and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this!"     She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING until
we   get there! We'll be there Wednesday night."
     The father agrees, "All right." He hangs up the phone and hollers to   his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"

Some of you may have seen this, but if you have not, I think you will
get a chuckle out of it....

 A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
     "What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks back.
     "Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week
and feel absolutely terrible."

       "When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest.

       "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it  was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after
going only about  100 yards."

        "Is that when you swore?"

        "No, Father," says the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes   and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.

       "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Father again.

        "Well, no." says the man. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle  came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

          "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Priest.

         "No, not yet," the man replies. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in  his claws, it flew over a bit of forest near the green and  the squirrel  dropped my ball."

         "Did you swear THEN?" asked the impatient Priest.

         "No, because as the ball fell, it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto  thegreen and stopped within six inches of the hole."

       Silence filled the confessional until the Priest sighed and said,

       "You  missed the putt, didn't you?"

Justin Wilson uses Cajun humor and dialect in his stories.  I got a chuckle out of this one.

    A Cajun who is borrowed up the hilt is in desperate need of money and went to  Arkansas's rice growing area  to borrow from a friend up there.   The only thing he had for collateral was his bird  dog Fido (spelled Phideaux).    The friend said that  no dog was worth 2500 dollars as collateral.
   The Cajun said that  Fido was no ordinary dog and he would show him  what a great dog he was.   He took his friend out to a series of ponds and  Fido went to one and came back and barked 3 times.  They crawled on their bellies like alligators up the bank of the pond and sure enough there were three ducks there.
    "That's just luck, "said the friend.
     So  Fido was sent to another pond and came back and barked ll times. They crawled up the bank on their bellies like alligators and sure enough,  there were 11 ducks on the pond.
    The friend thinks of a banker who is going to come down and go duck hunting and  thinks he can make some money with the dog. So he loans him the money he needs and the Cajun went home. The Cajun did not see the man until  the next rice convention.
     "How's my dog Fido?"  he asked.
    "I'm sorry, I had to shoot that dog."
    "Why?"
    "The banker came down from up north and we went duck hunting.  Fido went to the first pond and came back and barked 7 times.   We went over there and bam,bam,bam...shot those 7 ducks.
Fido went to a second pond and came back and barked 9 times. We went over there and bam,bam,bam,,,. we shot  those nine ducks.
Then Fido went to a third pond and came back with a stick in his mouth hitting me and then the banker.  The banker got scared, climbed a tree and insisted that I shoot that dog.  So I did."
    "Oh, you idiot,"  said the Cajun,  "the dog was just trying to tell you that there were so many ducks you couldn't shake a stick at them."
 

    A man walked into a bar followed by an ostrich.  He said to the bartender, " I would like to have a beer," and the  ostrich said, "me too."   The bartender said,  "That will be $2.75"  and the man pulled the exact change from his pocket and gave to the bartender.   After several nights of this exact proceeding, it was getting  late, and  the man said,  "I think I will have one more drink for the road."    The ostrich said, "me too."   The cost was 4.35  and the man pulled the exact change from his pocket.
    The bartender was curious, having seen this happen night after night, the man always had the exact change.   So he said,  "I am curious  how you always have the exact change in your pocket.  How do you do that?"
    The man replied,  "Well,  I was walking along the beach one day and found this bottle that I opened up and  a genie came out.  She was so grateful for her freedom that she said," you may have two wishes."
   " My first wish was that I would always have the exact change, regardless of what I am buying.
If I buy a loaf of bread  or  a Mercedes,  I always have the exact change."
    The Bartender replied that it was probably wiser than asking for a million dollars since you could go through that very fast.  But  what about the ostrich?
    "Well,  my second wish was that  I would always have a long-legged chick  for a companion"


    This story is from a talk by R. James Woolsey, Director of Central Intelligence given at a conference on global organized crime.
    "Just in case you think the FBI is not on the job,  I have received a true intercept (and this is not made up...it is not Saturday Night Live)  that the FBI  made of itself while conducting an investigation in San Diego.  It was sent to me by a friend of mine who used to be with
counterintelligence in Washington.  It is called the "The FBI Pizza Call."
    FBI agents conducted a raid of a San Diego psychiatric hospital that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents worked up quite an appetite.  The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping the hospital.
   Agent: "Hello, I would like to order  19 large pizzas and 67 cans of
soda."
    Pizza Man: "And where would you like them delivered?"
    Agent: "We're over at the psychiatric hospital."
    PM:   "To the psychiatric hospital?"
    Agent" "That's right. I'm an FBI agent."
    PM:  "You're an FBI  agent?"
    Agent:  "That's correct.  Just about everybody here is."
    PM:   "And you're at the psychiatric hospital?"
    Agent: "That's correct. and make sure you don't go through the front
door.  We have them locked. You will have to go around the back to the
service entrance to deliver the pizzas."
    PM"  "And you say  you're all FBI agents?"
    Agent:  "That's right.  How soon can you have them here?"
    PM: "And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?"
    Agent:  "That's right.  We've been here all day, and we're
starving."
    PM: "How are you going to pay for all of this?"
    Agent:  "I have my checkbook right here."
    PM:   "And you're all FBI agents?
    Agent:  "That's right.  Everyone here is an FBI agent.  Can you
remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the
rear?  We have the front doors locked."
    PM:   "I don't think so."

    The Abbot and monks of the Trappist monastery are under a vow of silence.  The monk gets two words in the first ten years of being in the monastery.    The new monk he has been there for ten years had his first chance to speak in the presence.  The Abbot said:  "What have you to say?"  The monk replied,  "Terrible Food!"   With that he went back to work and his duties for ten more years.
Ten years later  he appears  before the Abbot for his second audience, and the Abbot ask, "what have you to say?   The Monk replied, "Hard Bed!"    Then back to duties for ten more years.  At this point when he came in, the Abbot asked for his statement, and the monk replied,  "I quit!"  With that the Abbot said,  "Well, I am glad, all you have done around here is gripe, gripe, gripe!"

     A famous rabbi was so wise, so great a logician that he could answer any question his students put to him.  His power of reason seemed  so great that one of his disciples declared, "Our rabbi can think his way through any dilemma."
    "Yes, "said another,  "it is true that our beloved rabbi  has a mind of unparalleled powers--but  I wonder what would happen if he were tired,  even a wee bit tipsy.  Would his reason still prevail with all its splendour?"
    And so the loving but curious students decided to test his genius.  At the feast of Succoth they gave him enough wine to make him tipsy,  then, while he slept, carried him to the cemetery where they laid him on the grass,  and hid behind the tombstones, waiting to see what the rabbi would say when he opened his eyes, and saw where he was.
    What he said is a triumph of  Talmudic reasoning.  "If I am living, then what am I doing here? And if I am dead,  why do I want to go to the bathroom?"

A few years ago, Joseph was finally given an exit permit by the Russians and allowed to emigrate to Israel to join his family. He was told that he could only take what he could pack into one suitcase.

At Moscow airport he was stopped by an enormous Customs officer who
glared at him and snarled "Open the case!"

Joseph opened the case and the Russian rummaged through the meager belongings and pulled out a large bundle wrapped in old copies of Pravda. He unwrapped it to reveal a bust of Stalin.

"What is that" snarled the customs officer.

"What is that?" said Joseph timidly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?', You should ask 'Who is that?'. That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the wonderful things that he did and the marvelous life that I am leaving behind."

"I always knew that you Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"

A few hours later Joseph arrived at Ben Gurion airport and was confronted by an Israeli customs officer.

"Shalom, Welcome to Israel. Open the case!"

Once again Joseph's belongings were examined and the customs officer
came upon the bust. "What is that" said the customs officer.

"What is that?" said Joseph indignantly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?', You should ask 'Who is that?'  That is that bastard, Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the misery and suffering that he caused me for most of my life. I want to spit on it every day for the rest of my life."

"I always knew that you Russian Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"

At last Joseph arrived in his new home and eventually got round to unpacking watched by his young nephew. He took out his few clothes and then carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on the table.

"Who is that?" asked his nephew.
"Who is that?" said Joseph with a smile. "You shouldn't ask 'Who is
that?', You should ask 'What is that?'. That is five kilos of gold"

A notorious miser was called on by the chairman of the community charity.  "Sir,"  said the fund raiser,"our records show that despite your wealth, you've never once given to our drive."
    "Do your records show that I have an elderly mother who was left penniless when my father died? fumed the miser. "Do your records show that I have a disabled brother who is unable to work?  Do your records show that I have a widowed sister with small children who can barely make ends meet?"
    "No, sir,"  replied the embarrassed volunteer.  "Our records don't show those things."
    "Well,  I don't give to any of them, so why should I give anything to you?"


 

    One of  the better Texas Aggie jokes is about an Aggie who was going up I-35 following a truck when he saw something fall out.  He noted that it moved. So he stopped  to see and it was a little pig.  He caught it, put it in the back seat, and  sped off the catch the truck.   As he was speeding, he was stopped by a trooper and was about to get a ticket  when the Aggie told him what happened.   The trooper said that since he was doing a good deed he would not give him a ticket. But you must think that the truck is long gone, or turned off somewhere and the possibility of finding  the owner is small.  What you should do is this:  when you return to College Station,  take the pig to the zoo.   "OK"  said the Aggie.
    The next day the trooper was out on I-35 and  saw the same car speeding toward Dallas.  The trooper stopped him.   He recognized the Aggie from the day before  and then looked in the back seat and saw the pig.  "I thought I told you to take the pig to the zoo."   The Aggie replied,  "Oh, I did, and we had such a good time that I thought I would take him to Six Flags."

        "I'd just love to have a diamond to go with my new gown you   bought me  for the faculty dinner,  said the professor's  extravagant wife.    "Do you suppose you could get me one for our anniversary that falls on the same day?"
        "My dear,"  the professor replied patiently,  "Inexplicable circumstances, perforce, preclude an eventuality of my endowing you with such an estimable bauble."
        "I don't get it!"  she replied puzzled.
        "Precisely my dear," he said,  "precisely."

        Three priests were driving in a car and had a serious wreck, killing two instantly.  When one arrived at the gates of heaven,  St. Peter  told him,  "I'm busy, I will call for you.  I'll send you back. What do you want to be?    "An Eagle," replied the priest.  Poof, and he was gone.  The second priest arrived, and the same story of St. Peter was told, and  this priest said he always wanted to be a "stud."  Poof and he was gone.   The third priest died a couple of days later, and he came, with the same delaying story, and  he asked concerning the first two priests. St. Peter said, "Well, one is an eagle in Yellow Stone, and the other is in a tire in Minnesota."

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